In a lot of ways, Christopher Pilny should have turned out like Mark Zuckerberg. They were both from the Northeast; they were both children of dentists; and they both had curly hair in the seventh grade–Mark’s natural, and Chris’ from a perm, which he got shortly after Justin Timberlake did.
The only reason Chris’ life turned out differently (aside from every reason ever) was because, in the sixth grade, he attempted to cast a love spell on a girl using an apple–and everyone found out.
As a result, he never felt adequate with women again. And he spent the next 10 years doing various things to try to gain their approval. These included: amassing a collection of fine massage oils, pretending to be a country music singer, wearing multi-colored electrical tape on his fingers, then foregoing it all to become a doctor. When none of it worked, he decided it was time to do something drastic. So, as a fifth year senior in college, he did the one thing he still hadn’t in his quest to get girls: go somewhere and study them in their element.
This is how he ended up selling bras at Victoria’s Secret.
While folding thongs didn’t exactly make him better with women, it did provide him with a bevy of writing material, which he turned into essays he read for Melanie Vare’s “That Time of the Month” storytelling show, and then a lazy and highly derivative one man show he wrote called “The Lingerie Diaries.” This all crescendoed nicely in 2013 with a few articles published on Salon and AskMen. There were some interviews with Business Insider and British GQ, as well as an extremely disappointed Irish radio host. (“What do you mean you’re not as interesting as you say you are in writing?!”)
These days he’s just boring. He enjoys coffee and cigars, and reading Nora Ephron. He has a full-time job with benefits, and acid reflux that WebMD tells him is called “GERD.” Yet, somehow, he still managed to secure a lovely fiancé–who he met on Tinder a few years ago, and continues to love him even though, according to her, he picks his nose far too often.by